← The Reflection Blog
Sitting back analyzing what I’ve become
Where I came from
Who made me
And those that were by my side
Even the ones that were opposing
Far from the days of potential over dosing
But my sugar addiction is at an all time high
These thoughts won’t stop flooding my mind
As if I don’t know why
Turned a blind eye ; yet hopefully disillusioned
Trying to help myself get through
What’s to come ; visions daily
I couldn’t even tell a soul
It’s unbelievable; but I been there and seen it
Which has allowed me to already grieve it
Ironically numb to the pain but it hurts so bad
Quick pass by to check in the room
Spending quality time but mentally checked out
As a kid I used to run away
Listening to Pac ; searching for a better day
Identifying decision points like E 40 (Choices)
Mac said it the best ; sometimes I wonder
Who the fuck I am ; the question
I’ve been trying to answer way before AI
To my earliest memories of the cross over (A.I.)
Life is off the rails again
Rollercoasters are my least favorite
On the ground I stand ; so far from grounded
The rainbows are gone and butterflies dead
Harsh realities in pockets of poverty
Had to think outside the box
Which felt more like a trap
Faded to the back of the crowd
Decided to ditch the spot with hope
Of getting life on track
Little did I know
I didn’t know what I didn’t know
Thought I knew it all
It appears that the smart man has lost sight
History repeats itself ; if that is so?
What good is wealth?
Could it all be lies?
Feels like control is coming
But I’ve been playing within the laws
I’ve been the same person
Take the clothes, leave me one pair
I don’t need the gold
Without it all my heart still cold
Used to chase it till I got it
Did not believe I could achieve
Trying to tell those who care
But see the disbelief in their stare
Not even trying to rhyme
That’s just how these words overflow
Out my mind ; trying to put it back
But unfortunately in life there is no going back
No time to repent cause time is already spent
Really trying to focus on the time left
34 summers down the gutter
Far from being lost ; you might not understand
It’s all about the opportunity cost
No love lost ; I’m just a recluse
Like I’m missing a social battery
Voluntary seclusion without illusions
Shunning social interactions
My silence might come off as rude
I can’t afford to pay attention
Society of solitude
Anti-social especially when receiving low effort
You’ll have to get through hating me
To understand you’ll love me
Sometimes it feels like I abandoned the family
Realized helping myself was the first step
Hurts to know they didn’t follow
Like a pinched nerve at the center of my heart
As if I was doomed from the start
Past the days of regret
Trying to make each day count
But I’m not the best with math
I’ve been able to find a smoother path
But I might’ve fucked up due to my past
I had the headspace to get through
However sometimes life is more fragile
I did not realize it would all catch up
So the plan is to get better each day
Relentlessly picking myself back up
Practice being present and not stuck in my head
Christmas used to come in February
Faith in myself to overcome
Hence why I’m done talking about the past
Let this be the last time I speak on the topic
Focused on the future and letting the past go
They try to minimize my output
But I just grind through
I love to write but never make time to
Trying to get my mind right
Because now we are times two
In case you never knew
All that goes up ; must come down
Trying to make this high last
Because I’ve lived so low
Understanding and unashamed of flaws
Like I’ve been waiting to find the words myself
Learned I can hear and see more
when I speak less ; no stress of life’s test
I’m living as simple as ever
And I’ll never go back to substances
Pivotal moments have me aligned
Whether we start from the day grandma died
Or the day officer Wong did me wrong
The night I thought I was overdosing
Laying in the bed in and out
Shakes and sweats
Or the day we got pulled over
Ironically the same day I tried to jump back in
8th of coke by my balls
Consumed the three pills left (quick 90mg)
The car reeks of marijuana
Warrant in the next county
So close to strike two
Chalked it up as loss
Struck out looking
4 people : 2 left alive that witnessed
The officer took a wiff ; could smell the spliff
Two times and still I go without consequence
Probably why my conscience is scarred
Haunted by the person I used to be
But for the past ten years I’ve been in control
Used to be frightened by patrol
Sorry for the rambling
At times, I can’t help it
Love to gamble every now and then
But gave that up to go all in
It’s time to push past the potential
With only one goal in mind, or sight
Protect the mental peace at all cost
Arrest or distressed should yield
Equal reaction, focus and attention
This is the part that might benefit your mind
I said a lot to say I’m an obstacle overcomer
Pivot specialist with a broken ankle
I had to take the faith and put it in myself
This isn’t a personal crusade for wealth
I’m trying to build a foundation
For the family to sit on
My shoulders are crushing
health is declining ; declined any input
Seen so many illnesses
That I’ve already diagnosed myself
These changes came late
No need to cry now
The date is still unknown
But coming with certainty
I get the same goosebumps today
As the day I signed the policy
And honestly; it doesn’t even bother me
My love for you exceeds my needs
I let the fear go no time to panic only prepare
I’m numb to it at this point
Just like this life - I don’t know how to end
I could write these words for days
True solace, letting them out my head
Is the only way I ever got ahead
— Octavio