← The Reflection Blog
Been good for some time till
Foolish financial decisions start to reappear
Another day another dime
Never forget the days of blue lines
Starting to give myself credit
Cause damn I’ve been trying
Looking at this life like
This is really mine ; a new feeling
But I probably left the worthy cells behind
From the grind to the gutter
Self inflicted wounds
Looking in the mirror
Asking am I doomed?
Refuse to cop out
Cause that’s what they would expect
From the former drop out
Laps in this parking lot
They see another drug addicted body
But little do they know
Approaching 10 years
Not one slip up
With enough respect to know
It’s easy to pick back up
Can’t remember the last time I wrote
My brain is busting
So I’m in a rush to get these thoughts out
Like a trail of love to follow
Filled with words to remedy
The pain left B
When bodies go hollow
In the best mindset I’ve ever been in
No need for sorrow
On a day where I have no dollar to borrow
Over extended with a mindset to push through
This isn’t even close to worst I’ve been through
Leave my emotions locked up to get through
Like Jose how have you not realized?
The only one that can beat you
Is YOU
They might think get the wrong idea
but what could I expect from these 3 stanzas
Dark humor ain’t so funny all the time
Capturing every moment I can
Cause they won’t come back
No matter how hard you fantasize
It’ll never feel the same
It isn’t as bad as it seems
Just lighten up
Little did I know
It’s harder to be selfless in a selfish world
No matter how much they pay
It feels like a dead end anyway
I’d rather put a bullet in my head
Than think about it again
Such a Divine feeling
Hence why I’d be willing
To just throw it all away
Just like the eldest did
Ironically it’s been ten years
And these pills are still killing me
Indirectly, but directly affecting
Worked so hard to get out from under
Suffocating at the top
Vow to push until this crippled heart
Stops beating the day I’ll stop eating :)
On the road to 210
Stuck in the middle
Little sister older brother
Realized if I got away
Mom might have a chance
All by herself
Dad in a cocaine trance
Took over twenty years
To analyze and understand
Life isn’t fair, he didn’t see a man
Brother tried to be father
But the demons won
And now they grasp the soul of his son
I’d give mine up if he could get out
Then I realize ; him giving up is why I got out
Barely starting to understand my reason
I could ramble for days
Rhyme lines like a chime in the wind
Resting in the lead
Which turned to wasting time
Even wins feel like losses
Relentless like Denzel
Can’t help but feel I’m out of time
Might’ve worried more about others well being
Blinding me from the struggles
In my face - but I wasn’t seeing
Crippled by familiar treason
It’s like almost all the people I trusted
Helped me understand I needed to trust less
Which might be limiting my success
With every word I just want to talk less
But then I think more
Like a thief seeking his next heist
Desperately trying to find my next score
No whore ; seeking mental peace
An escape from the inside
Of an overheating mind
Dis-servicing myself
Disappointment for you growing
Try to bullshit myself
As if it is not true
Keeping quiet
But my shoulders are cracking
My heart is wounded
Every day I feel a year older
Personality colder by the minute
Life, 100% vested
Experience on my side now
The past used to over shadow
My capabilities growing
Learning to think fast but speak slow
Keep my tone low like they don’t have to know
I know -
Despite being ahead of the curve
Progress is stagnant
A feeling in my stomach
Worsened by thoughts I can’t stomach
Hard to realize I’m running out of time
Like did I just waste my prime?
Signals and visual cues
Universal language and they don’t understand
Similar to when I used to wonder
Am I cursed by foresight?
No friends in sight by strategy
Wondering why these thoughts continue
I am feeling it now
Like I’m going through what I’m about to see
This could be a waste of time
Cause how do I get you to believe
The things that just can’t be seen
Gift or a curse?
Could be one of the reason my hearse hasn’t left
But it’s probably tired of waiting by now
For sure they filled it up a few times
Cause it’s been sitting idle
They must’ve turned it off a few times
Getting ahead of myself is the super power
But it always feel like my last hour
Lost looking around
Not realizing I’m the missing piece
But they would rather pawn me off
What’s a thief to a knight?
Lost both castles
Bishops turned against me
I might as well crown myself
at a young age realizing
I can only depend on myself
Looks like it is time to quit bullshitting
Placing a bet ; all on myself
Far from the king
Again with no castle
But at least I’ve got my queen
Feels like we’re off course
Time to get back on track
Used to be the plug
Now they don’t even bug
If it wasn’t for at least fifty I wouldn’t even budge
Grateful for the snitch
Exactly who I needed to climb over
& get out this ditch
Or was it my grave?
Either way I felt buried alive
A felony kept me out of politics
Not to the left or right
Floating above the middle
To watch them fight
Like a pack of hypocritical hyenas
Borderline cannibalistic
Wish it was hyperbolic
But I got the scars to reveal
Realistic nightmares at night
Vivid visions during the day
Mind too busy to play tricks
No appetite for the bullshit
Most can’t put the effort it takes
Pay attention to the details and action
To reconcile their words against reality
Willing to debit and give them the credit
Sometimes a minute could be my darkest hour
Helpless with no strength or power
Life is a tower ; But I’m afraid of heights
Only Been up an hour
— Octavio