← The Reflection Blog
I can’t help myself I think I need some help
Ironically that was the line I heard after being inspired with a song named DRUGs
Another ironic moment in this roller coaster of life
Stumbled on Big L late
Which is great cause I’m through breaking laws
Far from the “woke” rap
Labeled pessimistic until my words manifest
A shitty situation equally as ugly as my words
That’s when they are shook not knowing
Sometimes I feel like running
But I haven’t done that in close to 33 years
Which is crazy to even think
Back when I used to hide the drugs
Inside the shared room that was handed down
From the outside looking an oxymoron
From the inside out a genius on his last life
Which reminds me of remorse
But I got to live for the ones who don’t anymore
Scarred by the sights as a little kid
Used to be against what I became
But in this world if you’ve got money
Then how could you be lame?
What a damn shame getting passed
Controlling myself to focus on preparing
For what’s inevitable
While it might sound dark
These thoughts are what keep me sparked
I got some pain that no pill could heal
Disposing disposables without a single charge
It’s like all my biggest fears are at large
Tired of running in place at a losers pace
I let my self fall so low
Until there was no option left
But to hit the ground
Feeling more useless
Than a pitcher with no strikes at the mound
They don’t realize - I’m fielding too
2 outs and Octavio’s down by one
Jose has been in the way my whole life
Whether we’re talking him or my own vice
I did not think once
How could I have thought twice?
Working on being more consistent
Cause I got to get these thoughts out
No time to measure
Leave it up to the third eyeball
Criminalizing myself with these thoughts
Starting to think there may not be better days
Protecting my peace at all cost
Because it’s worth way more than what I’ve lost
Some losses caused my peace to unease
Can’t help but feel leashed in the rat race
Unable to disguise my disgust
Trust less but trustworthy
Afraid to father based of before my father
Or my mothers father
Had to piece together the stories
Fragmented families like the world
Before the breakup ; I need some facts
Using words to distract myself from the 1st line
In due time I’ll leave but for now
Phoenix is my safe haven
Saw a different side of life
Which honestly changed my perspective
But they see the same side of me
The person I had to be
With the resources and adults fueling me
Always been steps ahead
Which frustrates them while trying to school me
Fooling themselves trying to fool me
Playing dumb and quiet
Understanding I’ve got to be the source
Of positivity I wish to see
History leaving repeating patterns
Obviously this wasn’t for the weak or meek
With no ambition to relentlessly seek
A better place for all
Problems on our own soil
Yet our priority is their oil
Blinded by belief
I know some who lost their life for less
Distress is my mistress
Creating Clouded thoughts
That Fogged visions of reality
Failing to achieve, mental peace
Sometimes I wonder why me?
But that’s just how it be
I’m just trying to do what the fuck I want to
Help the people without judgement
Whether your a fiend or a doc
Your prescribing something im not
Its funny to me that once they see
Taxing illicit commodities
to correct the deficit
Changing laws in their favor
Left by the unadapted mind
But that’s not my kind
Neither left or right
Up and down it’s like I never fit in
Expanding the mindset
Not defending any territory
As if we aren’t all mankind
I give it like I’ve got it
With ambition to make it back
Thoughts have been bottled up
Flooding these notes
Canceling all noise to the max
Starting to feel like I’ve used too much time
Chained myself to a salary
Minimal fruits ; absolutely no vegetables
I haven’t even tried celery
Damn I’ve been so couped up
Been socially distant my whole life
Sometimes I feel like the world is catching up
Fell far behind but never rested in the lead
Trying to go from donkey to a noble steed
But insecurities and greed block the path
They see Blood tainted with brown heritage which has been my biggest blessing
On my own path ; no need for contesting
Rather be wrong than have to prove I’m right
Trading instant gratification
For complete soul unification
Saving 100 for real life situation
Learned to hit the gas fast
But not that you need to brake
Don’t see it as weakness
Everyone needs a break
— Octavio